Complicated mother-daughter relationships

This past Saturday was my mom's birthday and she would have been 82.  She died 4 years ago October 19, the day Justin Trudeau was elected. Our relationship was fraught, mostly unhealthy at best and I have spent a great deal of my adult life trying to figure out why. She really didn't like me, right up until she died and I was at a loss to understand it.

This week I was listening to a CBC program on mothers who experience postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis and postpartum anxiety. I think my mom was someone who experienced postpartum psychosis. Some months after I was born my mom had a 'nervous breakdown' and was admitted to hospital. I don't know mush more than that and now I can't ask, but I do know her marriage to my dad was not very stable and they finally split when I was about 4 or 5 years old. And now I wonder if that postpartum break was connected to how she felt about me. She never bonded to me the way a mom should, and for most of her life when something bad happened she would often attribute it to me.

One particular example of this was when she was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. She was scared, and it was a big deal back in the 70's to have such a procedure. And my mom was a bit of a drama queen.  I was a teenager, and she made it quite clear that as the largest of her children, weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs.  5 oz. that I was responsible for a tear in her womb that caused the tumour that resulted in the cancer. Who says that to her child? Ever.


I spent most of my life trying to find a loving mother in her and failed. It just was not in her to be that for me. To be fair she wasn't great with my siblings a lot of the time, but for me it was clearly different.

So for new moms who are worried about whether you have the 'baby blues', or 'postpartum depression', I encourage you to seek support, probably professional help. The greatest gift I gave to MY children, is unconditional love. It seems you can survive, even rise above it, if you don't have it, and become a better person, but why have your child suffer?

The CBC program was about the mothers and their experience, I wonder if others have experienced what I did? The children of mothers who had severe postpartum depression, did your mother bond differently to you? It would be interesting to know.....

Happy Birthday mom, wherever you are. I hope you have found peace.

In the news, Jody Wilson-Raybould and Jane Philpott

You know there has been so much in the news lately about all of this and I really debated whether I should comment on it or not, but I decided I wanted to share my thoughts as they relate to women considering a run in politics and being supporters of women in politics.

I am sure most of you like me have been watching the drama in Ottawa unravel daily, if not hourly at times. At first I was impressed with Jody and her testimony. But honestly it filled me with dread of what was to come. I was so elated with the number of women on the Hill and so many with impressive resumes. Now we had women in charge of very important portfolios including the Attorney General. Pretty amazing times for women in Canadian politics.

Then the resignations rocked my world. I have been listening and reading and asking questions about why, why resign? And not only why resign, but why stay in the caucus? But I still struggle with it and my feelings of personal disappointment. These women held powerful and influential positions, where they could help real change happen. Positive change for women and the indigenous community to name just the immediate ministries. We had the powerful intelligent voices of these women and it was a beautiful thing. 

Both of these women say they have resigned because of personal principles and a lack of confidence in the government. I am so, so sad to see them leave, it is a huge loss. But for me the loss feels personal. I have been a huge advocate for women in politics. I feel they bring a different point of view, and important voice to the world of politics at all levels, Municipal, Provincial and Federal. I will not always agree with them, but I am fighting hard to make sure they at least have a chance to be heard. This feels a bit like we have entered a team in the race, and the team captains quit just as we were about to cross the finish line, leaving us all sweaty and confused and being sent home because they didn't want to be in the game anymore, and go hang the rest of us. 

Not everyone will agree with me, and that is ok, we live in a safe democratic society where we can disagree with respect. But what happens now. If they stay in caucus, will THEY have the confidence of the rest of the team? I know I would be questioning it. So far Jody and Jane are being celebrated and congratulated for making a stand on their personal principles, but what if the tide changes? What if suddenly they are seen as women troublemakers who can't stand the heat of the big game? What is the impact on women in politics generally? Does this change your desire to be an engaged participant in the future? 

For those women considering a run or being more engaged, I wonder how this makes you feel. This government has been the most progressive ever on issues like gender equity. If there was ever a government that was progressive on issues like gender equality, immigration, the environment, our indigenous people, it was this one. Is it their intention to bring it down? Do they have a thought about what that might look like if this government is not re-elected? 

While it is clear I don't have any answers, I do have concerns. What happens next? What were they thinking when they resigned from their posts? Did they consider they were quite possibly putting the jobs of their fellow colleagues on the line? Will it be worth it in the long run? 

There are still things we will hear about in the media, although even that is not very reliable at times. Everyone has a spin on how it is presented. It is up to us to choose how we feel about the outcome, and certainly our active participation in the upcoming election will demonstrate how we feel. I am looking forward to our meeting in May where we are gathering as women interested in politics. I expect there will be some good discussion about how you cope in an elected position where you answer not only to yourself, but your community and your party. How do you reconcile yourself in challenging times. It is not enough to be elected - you choose to run because you care passionately about your community or a particular issue/mandate. Every elected official will face some challenging times. Being prepared to cope with it is important, understanding that sometimes you might not agree and how do you manage that.

I hope you are all still interested and engaged in politics. Not just the type of engagement that happens behind the comfort of a keyboard, but the type where you ask good questions and employ critical thinking. Be ENGAGED.


#beher 
#supporther 
#celebrateher 

Here is an upcoming opportunity - APPLICATION DEADLINE MARCH 10th

A Remarkable Assembly - Women's Forum 2019

Please Note: Application deadline now extended to March 10th, 2019!

Do you have an interest in civics and current affairs?  Are you actively involved in your community? Do you have aspirations to seek public office or want to know what it's like to be a political representative? The Legislative Assembly of Ontario’s Women’s Forum will bring together 124 young women from across Ontario for a full-day program in Toronto to promote active citizenship and public engagement though education and empowerment.

One woman between the ages of 20-35 will be selected from each provincial riding to represent their community and experience parliament in action, meet prominent Ontario women and key parliamentary figures, and gain a behind-the-scenes perspective of Ontario’s Parliament.

Program date:  April 15th, 2019 

https://www.ola.org/en/visit-learn/programs/a-remarkable-assembly-womens-forum-2019

Paradox of our time.....

Listening to the news today about climate change and the impact it is having on our world reminded of this essay. I first heard this in reference to the poor and those in need, during my time with a social service agency in Chatham Kent, ON. The executive director of that United Way Karen Kirkwood-White, read this at an AGM and it has resonated with me ever since. Usually in relationship to my professional work or projects that were local and community based. Today however it was climate change that brought it to mind and made me search it out and re-read it.

Our carbon footprint is changing the environment to the point that people can no longer grow the grains they need for survival, and very lean survival that is already. A toxic sludge dam break in Brasil has caused several deaths and more people are dying. People are being told, don't bathe in the water, don't drink it, don't water the plants you need to eat with it. It has the potential to pollute 5 different countries. The potential for mass migration to escape impossible situations is huge, in fact is already happening in Europe.

My mind frankly seems incapable of imagining the devastation this will cause. I am almost insensitive to the deaths of thousands due to natural devastation, war, based on old religious grievances and greed. We have a President of the United States who scares the heck out of me, a man who who seems to have unleashed the worst in humanity. People feel free to say and do things that were previously unacceptable. Racism is rampant. Fear is tangible. Trust is scarce. This is 'The Paradox of Our Time'.

The Paradox of Our Time

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete..."

There are good things happening, and we need to support those initiatives. In my life, my daughter Michelle and her partner are opening a Zero Waste Market. 

https://unboxedmarket.com/

A local community, Bayfield has eliminated single use plastics. Friends and local businesses are striving for ways to make differences that will have impact, IF we all do it. It is like 'herd immunity', if we all work together, we protect the herd ( humanity). If we don't work together we weaken the herd. And members of the herd are lost because of our careless attitudes and nonchalant approach to life. We need to think less of ourselves, and more of the health of the herd. Our survival may actually depend on it. Maybe not in our time, but in the time of our children and grandchildren. 

What difference are you making in your life to protect our planet and our people? 

Be intentional in your giving - everyone is worthy

Today I read an article on the Internet about a woman who had experienced deep poverty in her younger years and she explained how it defined her as an adult. She shared a life changing event that may have saved her life and most certainly that of her mother. You can read that story here.
I’m a Little Too Fat, a Little Too Giving. I Think I Know Why.

Her story resonated with me for two reasons. First because although the details are different, but my own life story has similarities and second because I once had an opportunity to influence some young minds about giving and stereotypes. 

In my career as an executive director of small rural not for profits, I once had the privilege of managing an organization that operated a food bank as part of its array of services. Like many food banks we would participate in and be the grateful recipients of community food drives. You know the kind, where girl guides or hockey teams or schools would collect food for the local food bank. Usually around Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, because for some reason people don't appreciate that hunger is year round and not just when the season encourages you to be generous. But that is another story!

This time I was invited to attend the school that was mounting the food drive to speak to the classes about the food bank. I chose to accept the invitation and I visited every class from kindergarten to grade 8.  I was happy to attend and share some insight with the students about the kind of person/family who utilised the food bank. Why they needed it and what kind of products we were asking for. I did this because I noticed when people were asked to give to the food bank during a food drive, they frequently were unprepared and usually went to the back of the cupboard and donated something they either didn't like, or the can was dented and they wouldn't use it or because they thought it something that a person who needed the food bank would need to eat because it was good for them.  Like brown beans. "it's high in protein, and fiber, it will be good for them".

In the classroom discussion I asked the students to close their eyes and imagine with me that it was Monday morning and we had just opened to doors for our first client. I asked them to tell me what they thought that person looked like. I was astonished that almost class by class regardless of grade, the most common type of answer was that " they had ratty clothes and smelled bad because they didn't wash themselves." We had really great discussions about hygiene and why that might be the case with people in poverty. There is so much more I could share about that experience but it not relevant to this story. What is relevant, is that when it came time to talk about what to bring to the food drive I told them that without looking, I knew what they had already collected in the classroom cupboard. I said I would find mostly brown beans and Kraft dinner and dented cans of food and weird stuff that they didn't like to eat. It was indeed what was there, in every classroom. It was also what you would find on our food bank shelves, because for some reason that is what people thought they should donate. For your parents it was also a good way to clean out the kitchen cupboard of old food they had purchased but never got around to eating in that fancy dish they were always planning to make.  Grimy, dusty, tinned food. It made them feel good to clean out the cupboard and also donate to the 'needy'. Most of us can relate to this.

"The biggest problem with poverty is the shame that comes with it. When you give the best you have to someone in need, it translates into something much deeper to the receiver. It means they are worthy." Kristine Levine

Here was an opportunity to educate and influence young minds to give with intention, a generous spirit and thought. I asked them what their favourite foods were. What is your favourite cereal? Did you like crunchy or smooth peanut butter? Do you have a fun toothpaste you liked, or a shampoo that you loved and made your hair feel good? (Remember that conversation about poor people and hygiene?) I asked them to go with their parents to the store and choose the favourite thing they loved and to donate that to the food drive. We have freezers so you can donate frozen pizza if you love that. Maybe pop tarts are the best breakfast for you. If you get permission from your parents, this is your personal challenge. Children just like you don't have enough to eat, but they like the same things you do! So bring us your favourite foods, and you will not only feed someone who needs it, but they will love it just like you.







What transpired next still has the power to bring me to tears. The school plan was to form a human food chain, that started at the school and ended at the fire hall where all the food was to be collected and then delivered to the food bank. I went to the fire hall and the teachers there encouraged me to 'walk the line' because there was something I needed to see. So I went out. I recall it was a beautiful fall day, warm and sunny so everyone was participating outside. As I made my way down the line students stopped me to tell me what they brought. 'Ms. Payne, my favourite cereals are Froot Loops and Lucky Charms so my mom bought that for me to bring", I love sparkly gel toothpaste so I brought that today", "Look Ms. Payne I brought crunchy peanut butter and canned tuna because I love them!" I wept.

my favourite cereal is....

Our food bank had not looked so good, so diverse, so complete in a long time. We had variety and volume of food we never got to see. And for a long time after, through community communication and conversation, we continued to see wonderful foods that actually appealed to our clients, populate our shelves.




The message to our students was this. People in poverty don't just deserve the cheapest thing you can find in the cupboard, they deserve the best you can give, because they are worthy. Because they are just like you in the most important ways.

Be intentional in your generosity. Be thoughtful, kind and caring every day.