This week I was listening to a CBC program on mothers who experience postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis and postpartum anxiety. I think my mom was someone who experienced postpartum psychosis. Some months after I was born my mom had a 'nervous breakdown' and was admitted to hospital. I don't know mush more than that and now I can't ask, but I do know her marriage to my dad was not very stable and they finally split when I was about 4 or 5 years old. And now I wonder if that postpartum break was connected to how she felt about me. She never bonded to me the way a mom should, and for most of her life when something bad happened she would often attribute it to me.
One particular example of this was when she was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. She was scared, and it was a big deal back in the 70's to have such a procedure. And my mom was a bit of a drama queen. I was a teenager, and she made it quite clear that as the largest of her children, weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs. 5 oz. that I was responsible for a tear in her womb that caused the tumour that resulted in the cancer. Who says that to her child? Ever.
I spent most of my life trying to find a loving mother in her and failed. It just was not in her to be that for me. To be fair she wasn't great with my siblings a lot of the time, but for me it was clearly different.
So for new moms who are worried about whether you have the 'baby blues', or 'postpartum depression', I encourage you to seek support, probably professional help. The greatest gift I gave to MY children, is unconditional love. It seems you can survive, even rise above it, if you don't have it, and become a better person, but why have your child suffer?
The CBC program was about the mothers and their experience, I wonder if others have experienced what I did? The children of mothers who had severe postpartum depression, did your mother bond differently to you? It would be interesting to know.....
Happy Birthday mom, wherever you are. I hope you have found peace.
